Note: The writer herself did not enter any men’s rooms. Credit for information gathered in those restrooms goes to senior Andrew Roman.

Bathroom stalls are like hotel guestbooks: patrons scribble their names and thoughts in indelible ink for strangers to read, to contemplate, to judge for spelling and grammar as they consider adding comments of their own.

The difference is that hotels want guests’ feedback. They even provide the paper and pens. Writing on bathroom stalls, on the other hand, is technically vandalism and is therefore punishable by law.

At least, it would be if the perpetrators could be identified by the ink in their Sharpies.

But since the authors of bathroom-stall novels are unfortunately (or, in many cases, fortunately) anonymous, the least the newspaper can do is give them a page of publicity — and a healthy dose of constructive criticism might make a nice bonus.

“Smile your beautiful”

A nice sentiment, but I can’t smile: you’re ungrammatical.

Location: Both women’s restrooms on the East side of the building

“If you could live the next 24 hours and then erase it and start over just once, what would you do?”

For starters, I would take a Sharpie to “Smile your beautiful” to add an apostrophe and an e.

Location: Second-floor women’s restroom nearest the Commons

“Your mom was here.”

I’m not surprised. She was here for parent-teacher conferences, and those things take a while.

Location: First-floor women’s restroom nearest the Commons

“This is just a random inscription pay no mind”

It must have taken a good 20 to 30 seconds to write this on a tile surface. Then there’s the obvious fact the author had to make a conscious decision to bring a pen with him to the restroom (unless that’s just a normal object to carry around in bathrooms). If there is no reason to “pay mind” to this run-on, then why did so much effort go into its composition?

Location: Second-floor men’s room nearest the Commons

“Red Hood was here”

It appears that Little Red Riding Hood got a little lost on her way to Grandma’s house…

Location: First-floor men’s room nearest the Commons

“Bad wolf”

…and found the wolf awaiting her in the men’s room.

Location: First-floor men’s room nearest the Commons

“Don’t forget to smile. You never know whose falling in love with it.”

And you don’t want to know. If someone is falling in love with your smile from the inside of a public restroom, scowl immediately (for safety’s sake). Also: *who’s.

Location: First-floor women’s room on east side of the building

“I  you”

See? See?! It’s already too late. Now there’s a stalker leaving you love notes on the doors of bathroom stalls.

Location: First-floor women’s room on east side of the building.