If I were a boy . . . “even just for a day / I’d roll out of bed in the morning / And throw on what I wanted.”
And that’s about the only thing Beyoncé and I would have in common if we switched gender roles.
While Beyoncé would seek to prove a lesson to some cheating ex-boyfriend and change the reputation of males, I think I would fulfill the stereotype of a reckless teenage boy.
With a dulled sense of morality, heightened confidence and a smaller regard for consequences, I am jealous of the seemingly carefree perspective in which boys perceive the world.
A study done by Benjamin L. Hankin, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at the University of South Carolina, Columbia, proves that not only do girls flag more events as stressors, but they respond with more depression to a stressor than boys.
Oh, what I would give to succeed in life with less stress.
However, most of us don’t need definitive statistics to show us a common scenario we witness among high schoolers: a girl and a boy are dating, the girl “freaks out” over every glitch in their relationship, eventually they break up, the boy moves on but the girl sulks for months. While this has never happened to me, I’ve seen enough renditions of this outline to envy the composed and rational way males handle stressful situations.
I find myself most often pondering the advantages of having a Y chromosome in the morning, though. While boys take only a matter of minutes to complete their look, girls can waste hours of precious sleep time to simply achieve “presentable”.
Instead of taking the time to piece together the perfect outfit and sculpt each hair into position, I would boost my self esteem via muscle composition and number of girls I could date.
While girls flit over a demanding process of flat-ironing, blush applying and eye-lash curling each morning to achieve maximum appeal, a boy’s most essential beauty product is his deodorant.
Although I have perfected and shortened a girl’s morning routine to a precise amount of minutes, my male-version of preparation would probably last a matter of seconds. Possibly saving me enough extra time to actually get a full 8 hours of slumber.
The dawn of a formal night is a whole different story, however. A girl’s day is consumed by having every body part trimmed, made-up, washed, pinned, and in tip-top shape. On the contrary, all a boy needs is to thoroughly shower and throw on a suit.
It’s unfair, really.
And while I shampoo my mane, comb through my untangleable bird’s nest and spend (on special occasions) hours styling my hair, I can’t help but dream of giving myself a buzzcut.
Let’s not forget the burden of shaving legs either. I realize some boys have a beard to trim, but I also believe nothing compares to the expectation of constantly upholding smooth legs (even in the winter!)
Of course a girl’s exterior is only part of her appearance. Girls have an expectation to possess an impossible array of shapely assets. Guys seem to have only one mission: abs. And even that is an easier goal to achieve for the faster-metabolizing.
And if you think I eat a lot as a girl, wait until you see me as a boy putting my speedy metabolism into action! I would shamelessly devour any unclaimed pasta in my fridge and gorge on pints of ice cream.
Being able to eat like a ravenous bear without the consequence of having a non-bikini-body looming over your head is not the only animal instinct boys embody.
Other advantages I covet include the convenience of going shirtless and the ability to, yes, pee while standing up. “Going manly”, as my family calls it, is a much more efficient way of cooling down in the summer and preventing food from staining your clothes.
And, sigh, a boy will just never understand the annoyance of having to be a female and relieve oneself in the woods.
While I would take full advantage of the vulgar opportunities being a boy presents, I would not forget that no boy is too manly to not take care of himself. That includes, gasp, an occasional mani/pedi (no polish) to keep my nails trimmed and showering when I need to- which is more often than once a week.
Despite having fewer hormonal-caused stresses and beauty pains, I am content being a female. After all, if Beyoncé says girls run the world, then there must be some truth to it.
